The Wildlife of UCL

The Wildlife of UCL

From the sardonic to the absurd, Pi Comment’s very own Humour and Satire column casts a light-hearted look at modern problems and student life. In our latest addition, Alex Castillo documents the behaviours, habitats, and primal urges of the UCL species. 

We start first with the elusive case of the historian. These creatures venture out of their habitat for a maximum of six hours a week and are rarely observed in the early hours of the morning. Their habitat consists mostly of the main library, history common room and, most often, their bedroom, causing slumps in their productivity levels and making what this mysterious species does all day, difficult to discern.

Moving further along we can see the silver-tongued English students. They lack basic survival skills, but they distract their predators by reciting reams of Shakespeare and Wordsworth. This species can be useful to befriend for proofreading essays, but their likability often dips due to their obnoxious penchant for correcting grammar.

Now we observe the law students. They attend many social gatherings in order to further their ranks in the food chain and to pick up valuable tools to cement their privileged position, such as corporate water bottles. This species asserts its dominance by waving their colourful internships and training contracts in the faces of other animals. 

In the Cruciform we can see the frantic stampede of medical students constantly on the move, lacking sleep and in a state of alcohol-induced lethargy. Be wary of entering their habitat, as this species is incredibly territorial; if you step foot on their ground they will form hunting packs and write mocking UCLove posts about it. 

Let us consider the case of the economist. They strive to climb to the top of the food chain by wearing decorative clothing, organising lavish social gatherings and attending Goldman Sachs networking events. Their resources are abundant and their enemies many. 

In the dark caves, deep into the forest, we come across the computer scientists. You must observe them with hushed voices, minimal eye contact, and no sudden movements lest you scare them and they latch back onto the computer screens from whence they came.

Beside the cave you find a tribe of engineers. This is a male-dominant tribe and you will find few females among them – a patriarchy of sorts has formed and the creatures must venture far and wide to find a mate.

If we venture further along the path we come across the SSEES habitat. This area is often invaded by those of surrounding territories in order to access vital natural resources, such as computer rooms, desks, printers, and seats, the most scare resource of the whole campus kingdom.

Atop the trees we spot the ponderous philosophy students; too deep in thought to come down, too unemployable to do anything else. They sit and think, howling at the moon and crying out for answers. 

By the river we find geographers searching for rocks, measuring the PH of the water and doodling in their colouring books. The best thing to do when encountering this tribe is to smile and slowly back away. 

The wildlife of UCL come into frequent hostile contact with those of the nearby KCL region. The UCL creatures maintain their hegemony of the wider region by launching ruthless cyber-attacks against KCL, frequently citing superior rankings in university league tables, and by flinging other such faeces at each other.